i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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