I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
