some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
