This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I know her cup size but not her name....
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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