Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
