who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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