I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
