I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
