remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
