dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
