The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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