Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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