dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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