I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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