How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize