no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
