Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She said her name was "party"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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