you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Randomize
