My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
