is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
