so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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