I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
