And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize