Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
