Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
They took my balls.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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