I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
