i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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