so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
