Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
