I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
