happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
