i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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