i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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