she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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