Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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