Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
