Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize