Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
