so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
