I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
