Betty ford says i'm here all night
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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