Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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