I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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