I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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