I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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