I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
