Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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