have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
