i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
