I wish I could punch you in the face.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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