So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
