If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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