its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
