i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
