No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
