i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
