just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
